Just a heads up, I’ve included some affiliate links in this article. Your support will help me in this journey to document as much about Fatherhood (and parenting in general) as I can! Thanks for your support.
Being a father certainly has its ups and downs, but overall, the ups far outweigh the downs. However, with parenting, challenges seem to greet you at every corner. You can read every single parenting book out there to try and prepare, but ultimately there is no playbook for raising children. What works like a charm for some parents may completely backfire for others. That said, there are things I have observed and learned over the 9 years of being a parent that would have been nice to know ahead of time. Or at least, if I could go in the past and tell my younger, less grey-haired self some tips and tricks, here is what I’d tell him:
1. Kids Hear More Than You Think
Talking to mom and about a birthday party? They heard that. Mention the playground? Heard that too. Let a curse word slip? They definitely heard that.
Almost anything you say in the vicinity of your kids, they will hear and they will listen (except when you actually WANT/NEED them to listen, then they selectively won’t). This has happened all too often as my wife and I are in the kitchen just having a casual conversation about what we might do this weekend, and the kids are in the living room watching TV or playing. So take caution what you say! Because they will hear it, and they will remember! Which leads me into the next one…
2. Kids Remember Everything (Mostly)
Oh, you don’t remember that you said you’d take the kids to the pool the other day? Well, pucker up because you are now going to the pool.
Too many times I’ve looked at my wife with a confused expression: “did we say that?” When kids hear something that will potentially add to their level of fun (going to the playground, movies, toy store, etc.), they will hold on to it for dear life and hold you accountable… usually with tears and a lot of “but you said you would!”, even if you have zero recollection of this theoretical conversation.
So choose wisely on the fun activities you decide to say out loud! I will typically default to the “let’s see how the day plays out”, or “we’ll see if we have enough time”. A non-committal type of answer like this is a great get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to the things they remember!
3. Kids Are Impressionable, And Will Mimic Your Behaviors
Kids are super impressionable. They parrot not only what you say, but also the behaviors you exhibit around them.
Case in point: As our kids have gotten a bit older and frequently play together, we started to notice the way they will sometimes yell at one another as they are working through conflict. There have definitely been situations where a bunch of yelling is going on, and we look at ourselves with a bit of a grimace on our face – that sounds like us.
My wife and I are certainly not perfect – we will raise our voices when we are frustrated as parents. However, we try to be more patient because we have seen a direct correlation to our yelling, and how our kids yell at each other. Parenting is definitely a practice in patience!
The flipside is also true, as well – the positive traits you show will carry over to your kids – kindness, generosity, patience. All of the good things you do throughout the days your kids will start to show those qualities. You may not notice it right away, but it will be come evident as they grow older.
4. Children Are Perceptive To Emotions. Don’t Take Your Frustrations Out On The Ones You Love
While this one may seem obvious, it is so easy to do. Just the other day I experienced something really frustrating. I was working on this website and basically bricked it and had to start over. Luckily, I’m at the very beginning of this journey, so there wasn’t much that I lost, but it didn’t take away from the level of frustration I was experiencing. I was upset, and little things started to really bother me and my frustration started to leak out of me – “kids, you need to get in the bath! Why aren’t you upstairs already! Why aren’t you eating!!” Obviously, this was completely unnecessary, and did not help the mistake that I made. Luckily, I identified this quickly and backed off. But it wasn’t easy!
One thing that helps me in situations like this is to flip the script – instead of viewing it as a massive setback, I tried viewing it as a learning opportunity. Now I know what not to do for next time. It sucks in the moment, but don’t let these things get you down! And definitely do not take it out on your loved ones.
5. As a Dad, Don’t Be Discouraged If Kids Only Want Mom
In the months after my first was born, it became abundantly clear that he didn’t want much to do with me. It was always Mom! Of course, this is obvious – babies must completely rely on the mother for sustenance, nurturing, comfort, etc. However, this didn’t really change as he started to crawl, then walk, then talk. While yes, he would let me hold him (sometimes), it was clear I was “not the Mama!”.
I used to get discouraged, and, dare I say, jealous. But this is completely normal. I recently came across some studies that suggest children will gravitate towards mothers for comfort and nurturing, and children will tend to go to fathers (or father figures) for roughhousing type play. I’m certainly not an expert in child behavior, but apparently it gives them a chance to learn about taking risks in the safe boundaries of fatherhood.
All this is to say – do not be discouraged if it seems like your child or children only want Mom. There will be a time when all they want to do is climb on you and pull your ears, take off your glasses, punch you in the gut, etc. etc. As a father, take advantage of these moments… the more you do it, the more they will come to you for play!
6. Kids Are Messy, And That’s Okay
This one is a tough one for me… I will be the first to admit – it is extremely difficult for me to resist cleaning up my messy kids. While I have gotten better, I was constantly wiping my little ones down when they were eating, and I always cringed when they played in dirt or sand (don’t get me started with mud).
But you should resist wiping them down and leading them away from messes! Letting kids explore messiness can be beneficial for their development as it encourages sensory exploration, builds fine motor skills, fosters creativity, and helps them learn about cause and effect through open-ended play, all while promoting a sense of independence and self-expression.
Pro-tip: always have a good set of wipies handy! I like to keep them in each bathroom (who am I kidding, every room), and in our cars (emergencies happen all too often). We like any fragrance and chemical free wipies, such as these: https://amzn.to/42jQcaV
6. Kids Can Be Taught Good Habits
Speaking of resisting cleaning up after your kids – consider teaching them to clean up after themselves – especially as they are younger.
I get it, it’s just so much quicker and easier to do it for them, especially in the early days. I used to always pick up after my kids (occasionally I still will, and my wife will let me know). The problem with this is that they will then come to expect you to pick up after them. “Oh, I’ll just leave this banana on the floor because Dad will pick it up”… and they figure this out astonishingly early.
Your children will probably resist picking up after themselves in the beginning, but that is okay, don’t give in – consistency is key here. Their resistance as they grow older if you don’t start early will be worse, and harder to break through. They will get it – it will soon become a part of their routine – come home from school, hang up the backpack, put the shoes away, throw the socks in the hamper, etc. Remember – be consistent!
7. Let Your Kids Struggle Through The Learning Process
This one is similar to teaching kids good habits. I’ve been guilty of just doing things for my kids to get going quicker; e.g., zipping up their jackets, tying their shoes, brushing their teeth for them, getting them dressed, etc. etc. These little tasks are important for kids to learn on their own, and if you do most it for them, they will come to expect it. Dad, can you get me dressed? Dad, can you get my shoes and tie them for me? Dad can you beat this level for me? Nope, nope, and nope. Do it yourself! They need to figure it out, and they can. It will be like a lightbulb going on in their head when they get it.
Perfect example was with my older daughter, now 7, always wanted us to do her hair – and God forbid if Dad had to do her hair. So, Mom sat down with her one day and started to teach her how to tie her hair back with a hair tie. It was a bit of a struggle at first, but when she got it, she became so independent with her hair, we haven’t had to do much since!
8. Reading Is Crucial
Reading is so crucial for the development of children. Crucial for their language development, cognitive growth, and overall love of reading, as it exposes them to a rich vocabulary, builds listening skills, enhances imagination, and creates a strong bonding experience between parent and child.
Even when they are still babies, reading provides an excuse to hold and comfort you baby while speaking to them – all things that are so great for both parent and child.
Not sure what type of books to get? We love the Usborne books, as they are uniquely interactive, and showcase great storytelling and beautiful artwork. You can check them out here: https://amzn.to/42lbvc1
9. You Can Have Multiple Children, And They Will All Be Vastly Different
This is probably more obvious than any other, but is still worth mentioning, for the sheer fact it is quite fascinating. How can it be possible that such closely related beings can be so different from one another? My son: empathetic, level headed, natural leader. My daughter: highly sensory driven, can flip emotions in fractions of a second, strong headed. These two are only 22 months apart, but could be might as well be worlds apart. But that’s the beauty of having kids. You really have no idea what you will get!
10. Time Flies When You Have Kids. Enjoy It Now For They Are Only Young Once!
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this from an empty nester, I’d probably have…32 bucks. Plus or minus. Seriously, the moment you have your first child, parents of children who have flown the coup will always tell you to cherish these moments. My kids are 9, 7 and 3.5, and I still hear this from time to time. But it is so true. It really feels like yesterday when we had our first, and here we are 9 years later. Time does seem to operate differently when you have kids, and I have a hunch it is because of how busy we become – we are constantly moving, trying to keep these little humans alive. Remember when we were kids and the clock seemed to go so slowly? Especially in 5th period at the end of the day stuck in history class… just staring at the clock, watching the seconds seemingly tick slower and slower… now, I glance at the clock on a weekend and it will be 11:30AM. Next glance, it will be 5pm. Double take, what in the worlds just happened in 5.5 hours??
And believe me, sometimes I look at those seasoned parents of yesteryear and think to myself “man, it must be nice to have children out of the house”. But I know the reality: I will be a slobbery mess when my kids are gone. We only get one chance to be a father, and we should absolutely cherish these moments – even when the going gets tough. Because Father Time always wins – and we will never get these moments back. So make the most of it! Embrace the struggles, and laugh it off – cherish every moment.
Leave a Reply